albums, and I have read his short story collections. I like Woody Allen more than anyone raised Southern Baptist in Florida should.
Of course, it is difficult being a Woody Allen Fan these days. His last few films have been hit or miss, he has become a much more reclusive public figure, and probably the biggest obstacle to overcome as a Woody Allen fan: he married his daughter.
I mean, she was adopted. She wasn’t a blood relative or anything like that. That would be creepy!
For those who may not remember, the Wood-Man(that’s what all of his fans call him), was dating actress Mia Farrow at the time. Keep in mind they weren’t married or anything, they were just, you know, seeing each other for over a decade. It wasn’t like a big thing!
Anyway, Mia adopted a lot of kids. She was Jolie-esque in her thirst for acquiring third world orphans. Sure, now a days, African Orphans are all the rage, but back in the 70s and 80s, everyone was crazy about Asians!
Well, one special day, the Woodster (again, a fan nickname), was visiting his then girlfriend, Mia at her home, and he was greeted at the door by the nanny. As he was led through the litter of orphans that covered every square inch of what was most probably a fashionable upper east side apartment, he spied a young lady named Soon-Yi.
“Who is that?” Woody asked the nanny.
“Why, that is Soon-Yi, Mia’s daughter,” she answered.
“Is she a new one?”
“Oh no, Senor Allen, she has been here since she was just a child. Why, you yourself, taught her to read and write. You have been a part of her life for almost the entire 17 years of it,”
“17, eh?” was Woody’s reply. And the rest, as they say, is history.
I bring all of this up, because over the weekend, I saw the newest Roman Polanski movie. It was a great film. It really was. The direction was tight and gripping. The story was layered and nuanced, and the acting was genuine and real.
The film, The Ghost Writer, played to a full house.
Now, some people would argue that this man should not be directing movies or doing anything other than serving a prison sentence -all because one time he got a thirteen year old girl high and drunk and had sex with her.
Before you judge the man, let’s go over a couple of the finer points of this seemingly dastardly act. First of all, this happened in the seventies. Back then it was considered rude not to get a young lady drunk and high before making love to her.
Second of all, and this is possibly the most important point: he is a great film maker. This is the man who made Chinatown! Ever hear of it? It’s only considered one of the greatest movies ever made. Roger Ebert once said of Chinatown, that “it is a film so well constructed, thrilling, and influential that it makes Citizen Kane it’s little bitch”
Of course, this got me thinking of the mercurial relationship we, the public, have with our celebrities. What are we willing to accept from our heroes? What line do we draw?
For those whom are merely curious and for those whom have been given the gift of great talent, fame, and-the greatest gift of all-not having to be one of us, I have devised a handy set of guidelines.
Celebrities, please feel free to print this out and keep in your pocket.
Regular people, now you will know exactly how much scorn to place on a celebrity the next time they are caught murdering an underaged, roofied, transvestite.
1. Drunk Driving. As long as you have not killed anyone, this is pretty much a freebie. Hey, who hasn’t had a little bit too much to drink and gotten behind the wheel of $80,000 luxury automobile? Basically, it just amounts to a little free publicity. The one caveat to this, of course, is when being arrested for drunk driving don’t go on an anti-Semitic rant while calling the arresting officer sugar tits. This will only confuse us, the general public, because, while we don’t like anti-Semitism, calling the cop who is arresting you sugar-tits is awesome!
2. Domestic Violence. Listen, we all know ladies can get a little lippy sometimes, but before you treat your sweetheart to a quick Hillbilly counseling session, keep in mind that this is one of the few things that you can’t walk away from. Chris Brown. Ike Turner. Those guys used to be musicians once, right?
3. Waking up in stranger’s house after a three day bender. Well, Robert Downey Jr. is one of the biggest stars in the world, so yeah, you can get over this hurdle and, hell, you know that guy must have the best stories!
4. Drugs. Like drunk driving, this too, is pretty much okay. If you are crazy and self-destructive, people will assume you are a deep artist struggling with a darkness and addiction that is harrowing. If you come through it, people will fawn over your courageous victory. If you die, then cha-ching! Your estate will be able to cash in on you for years to come, possibly decades. You will be an artistic light snuffed out in its prime. Beware: if you hover between these two things for too long, then you become Courtney Love.
5. Infidelity. While not a crime, this could be a deal breaker in the court of public opinion, depending on your reputation. For example, if Charlie Sheen gets caught cheating, you are more likely to be angry at the wife or girlfriend he was with at the time. You will find yourself yelling at the screen, “He’s Charlie Sheen! What did you think would happen?”. On the other hand , if you are Tiger Woods and you have tons of endorsement deals coming in based in part on your squeaky clean image and then it comes out that you have boned what is the equivalent to the population of Montana, people get upset. What you must always remember is that people, as a whole, are very stupid.
6. Robbing a bank while drunk. Okay, actually this has only happened to Rip Torn. Rip Torn does these things, sometimes. No matter where you are on the celebrity scale, you absolutely must not drunkenly try to rob a bank unless you are Rip Torn. It just won’t end well.
7. Questionable sexual/romantic. Which brings me back to the beginning. To have a creepy, inappropriate sexual encounter with someone, you must surpass the title of mere celebrity. You must be Legendary. Michael Jackson has been plagued by accusations of pedophilia for decades, but when he died, all was forgotten. I mean, his fans claim that he never touched the kids, but he just wanted to sleep in the same bed with them. Which is somehow creepier to me. Eddie Murphy picks up transvestite hookers, Woody Allen marries his adopted daughter, Roman Polanski and so on. The exception to the rule-it’s called the Hugh Grant rule-you must be endearingly British.
8. Murder. I got to say, this is a tough one. As far as public opinion goes, you may never completely walk away. Just ask Fatty Arbuckle. However, there is little chance you will do any time. It's almost as bad as Domestic Violence. Basically your best protection is a couple of Emmys or at least a Hesiman Trophy. One exception: Even if you are legendary pop music record producer, you will still go to prison if you show up to court looking like this:
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